Im looking for a list of easy and witty comebacks for hecklers. My friend and I do a comedy song routine but personally I am more a musician than comedian.
I know the patter thats been written and the music but I know there will come a time when Ill need to be a tad more witty than I am… hehe
I can handle most situations but I want to be able to snap out a comeback that is entertaining, funny, and will put the heckler in their place.
Any links or lists of great comebacks out there?
I’m an opera singer, not a comedian, but something that helped me with hecklers in my youth (yes, young opera singers get hecklers as well!) is to look them right in the eye. Most people making fun of a performer are hiding under the perceived anonymity of being in the dark and not being able to be seen. Anyone who’s been on stage knows that you’re usually able to see people better than they realize, and keeping eye contact with them usually keeps them pretty well under control. Hecklers are, utimately, cowards.
> Get off the Stage
Why, is it your week to clean it?
> That’s not funny
Well, not compared to your love life it isn’t!
> Hey, I bet you think you’re a comedian!
Yeah, it’ a shame that you think I’m your therapist. What is it, your fruedian slip is showing again?
> You Suck!
And you don’t? Well, sex therapy is Saturday afternoons, right after Comedy defensive driving. Bring your own rubbers.
> I don’t get it!
We know, and that’s what makes it so funny for the rest of us!
> So Where’s the Punchline?
I dunno, in your pants?
> What a waste of time
Yeah, maybe you should have brought your slinky. I know we’d all get a kick out of it right now.
Hey, this guy thinks he’s a wit, and he’s half right!
Look, I told you I didn’t need any more writers. Why don’t you call Senator Kerry, I hear he needs some new material.
Could you possibly BE more Witty? No I mean it. Just a little bit. C’mon, we know you can do it. Do you need a line? Cause you know, that
s kind of my thing. Awwww, never mind.. Tell you what, I’ll be the comedian and you be the audience member, maybe you can get that one right!
Boy, you really put me in my place. Tell you what, where do you work? Maybe I can drop by and let them all know what a great comedian you are! We could do a routine together. I bet your boss would love it almost as much as mine does! Wow, what a guy, give him a hand – – – No, No, just one hand. We don’t want him to get a big head! He’ll be suing us for a new hat!
Wow, are you a real heckler? Could I see your union card? Because if you aren’t union, we’re going to have to ask you to see our shop Stewart at the back of the room. You do have two hundred and fifty dollars for the dues, right? You don’t? What are you, an Amateur? Well, Amateur night is on Tuesday. Tell you what, if you’ll sit here quietly we’ll just forget this ever happened. Ah ah ahh — not one more word, you don’t want to get us in trouble with the union right?
This ought to get you started.
dont let em bother you…then make him the joke…and if they say you suck say not any more i am seeing a religious counseller to pray the gay away
Make the joke about the person who heckling you, think about what they say to you and turn it back on them???????